Monday: woke up 6.30am mind racing as usual. Dived into insta and used up my 30min allowance straight away. Then emails and decided to get access to my WordPress accounts and disable automatic renewals because WordPress had taken £80 out of my bank accounts this month! That’s my travel allowance from DWP eaten up. Completely forgot that I paid up for a WordPress membership for this page so cancelled it.

Decided it will be a good idea to use this page to blog about my daily mh stuff, seeing as J have the membership gif another year. Began writing first blog entry and prepping this draft. Will add a few paragraphs each day then publish weekly.

It’s now 08.42. Today’s plan is to get up for meds and water now then physically rest in bed until midday then do admin stuff: order ikea parts and step thing for flooring; do movement break and back to bed.

• Sort meds box
• Order ikea parts etc
• Movement break
• Put on clothes wash
• Clean toilets and sinks
• 1hr work on MA application

08:50 – still in bed micro editing every tiny detail in this draft post. I just remembered the MA course application I need to work on and submit by end of the month.

12:43 – struggling to stay focused on each task. Mind racing. Thinking about other jobs, remembering random stuff. Using list method from last nights yt video: priority list of 2 tasks (im calling it ‘2-2do’. Cross off when first task is done then choose another priority item from Monster list and add to the 2-2do list. I’m gotten things done, but I’m constantly distracted by the tiniest things (after updating my 2-2do list I find myself picking up rubbish on my desk to throw out, removing my address from envelope then going to shred entire drawer of labels!) talking myself back on task on the list – firm loving kindness with lots of praise when I complete a task. Slowing down my pace and taking moments to breathe from diaphragm is helping me to refocus. Ignoring my worry about time wasting helps too.

B came to help with cleaning and vacuumed entire house – the one chore that still sucks the energy and life force out of me! We ate dinner which I cooked and hung out a bit.

After she left I felt a twinge of abandonment emotions and house felt VERY empty. I became aware after an hour sat in cold kitchen on my phone that I was hyper focusing on nonsense (random scrolling through websites/emails), maybe to good with emotional shift of feeling abandoned after evening in company? While she vacuumed I tidied up the kitchen and done clothes, bedding. I noticed my mind was really calm and I felt more at ease and relaxed in myself. A kind of peace/contentment? Reminded me of when my kids lived with me.

It took me another hour to prize myself off the screen, up and out the kitchen. I sweet-talked myself into brushing my teeth then got to bed finally around 23:30. Listened to a podcast about moon landings and got to sleep ok.

Tuesday: Woke 06:30 then slept for another 40min. 7hrs 5min total. Checked couple emails on my way to this app. I might move to paper as I don’t like using my phone first or last thing at night. I will stick with 2-2do and Monster list today. I have a bit of a chesty cough and sinuses a little blocked this morning. To add to monster list:

• Work on MA application
• Use neti pot – daily.

10:44 – still not started on chore list. Just remembered to check it now. Very lost without structure/routine. Difficult establishing and maintaining a routine. So easily distracted. I did a few things already this morning: made porridge; cleaned water filter; rearranged dining table. Now I’ll begin with list🙂

14:15 – getting very worked up abs anxious. Cannot decide between going for a walk to local park (first visit) or going to Lidl. Mild panic about going to a place for first time. What is toilet access? What type of ppl will be there? Cost of cafe? Can I afford it? Feels a lot to go on trip to new venue the day before I have visitor. I’ll go Lidl for now. Keep the trip out familiar and low-key.

21:19 – zoned out this evening. While cooking this evening I nearly burned down the kitchen!!! I put cough tea on to warm up then went issues to computer to search on insta for this swallow machine. Got lost in the scrolling until I smelt burning. Kitchen smoky and pot blackkkk😱 I felt really bad I nearly burned down my unfinished kitchen just to search online – for some random thing I’m not even buying!🙄 Feeling bloated. Random online roaming / searches after using up my 30min insta time. I was grateful when it locked off because I felt myself fused into the scrolling. Brain very active but I’m feeling exhausted. Critical voices giving me a hard time reminding me if all I didn’t do.

Going upstairs to prep for bed. I’m leaving iPad downstairs.

Wednesday 15th: I’m not enjoying writing in my phone. I prefer a note book. Today lots of mixed emotions around R’s visit. Having guests when the house is still chaotic brings up grief sadness and shame. J said to me in a message “You’re sharing the process of building your home, which is also really special” This helped me to be more accepting of the situation. I prioritised tasks and got to station to meet my friend on time. Evening went well. I was able to remain calm and avoid too much overthinking. I constantly talked myself through different situations to make sure I wasn’t being overly helpful/controlling/ableist to my friend. I really want her to be relaxed and comfortable during her visit.

Evening. We went out to eat then supermarket for dessert. She bought herself cookies. I ended up buying biscuits and mango. I ate half the mango, a chocolate dessert and a pack of Jaffa cakes. Too much sugar in my system! I enjoyed it though but I really didn’t need the biscuits. Ate them in bed secretly. Yup, secret eating has been a thing since childhood.

Thursday 16th – Quiet morning. Woke around 6.30sm then scrolling about black hole shadows after listening to podcast about black holes. I then decided I wanted to know how to become an astronomer and researched applying to study astrophysics at university. I’d need A* grades at A level physics and maths and then switched to researching how to become a researcher as a career, then a copywriter but decided I don’t want to invest so much energy in a career change. Switched to looking for latest teaching jobs for 2hrs: researching jobs locally then if I could apply to work in Mongolia, Macau, and Dominica! I did find one job I can apply for but lots of random searches. Had meds, drink then back to bed. Want to be alone not talking. Yesterday used up my ‘people/social’ spoons.